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Husband and Wife on 10th anniversary. The wife undresses and says: “What did you …
Jul 30th
Husband and Wife on 10th anniversary. The wife undresses and says: “What did you think when I stripped 10 years ago?”
He says: “I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry”.
She says: “What are you thinking now?”
“Looks like I did a pretty good job!”
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There’s a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the …
Jul 30th
There’s a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.
The president of ‘Budweiser’ orders a Bud, the president of ‘Miller’ orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody’s amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!
“Why don’t you order a Guinness?” his colleagues ask.
“Naah. If you guys won’t drink beer, then neither will I.”
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Tech Support: “Do you have any windows open right now?
Jul 29th
Tech Support: “Do you have any windows open right now?”
Customer: “Are you crazy? It’s twenty below outside …”
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On little Larry’s first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the …
Jul 29th
On little Larry’s first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, “I don’t belong here, I should be in third grade!”
The teacher looked at little Larry’s records and told him to please take his seat.
Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, “I don’t belong here, I should be in the third grade!”
Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry’s problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.
The teacher suggested they try some biology questions … “What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?” asked the teacher.
“Legs!” Larry immediately replied. “What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn’t?” asked the teacher.
“Pockets!” said Larry.
The teacher looked at the principal, who said, “Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!”
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What’s the definition of happiness?
Jul 29th
What’s the definition of happiness?
Getting up in the morning and seeing your mother-in-law’s picture on a milk carton!
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The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one …
Jul 29th
The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents.
Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 45 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, “WHY?” The wife replied that she hadn’t wanted to hurt his feelings.
He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 45 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, “Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1.”
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Yo momma is so fat, the horse on her polo shirt is real.
Jul 28th
Yo momma is so fat, the horse on her polo shirt is real.
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Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the …
Jul 28th
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. “Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, “Well Doc, I can’t swim!”
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How long is the average woman in labor?
Jul 28th
How long is the average woman in labor?
Whatever she says divided by two.
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What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
Jul 28th
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
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